Friends forever??

you know, i never thought that we would cross each other's paths ever since what happened between us. although it had happened more than six months ago, i can still vividly remember that very night as though it had just occurred yesterday. it was a night full of regrets on both sides - mine and *hopefully* yours too.

i know that when you saw me the other day, my face had "uhoh" and "disbelief" written all over it. that i cannot deny. i was the master of emotional disguise in my teenage years, masking whatever i felt with my happy outlook. was it self-denial? or was it simply optimism? it was much easier then, i don't know why. i admit it's tough. but i was shocked to see you. especially at that place at that time. of all the time and of all the places in malaysia (ok, i know malaysia is not that big BUT STILL!!!).

remorse. regrets. disappointments. that was what i felt from you when i saw you. but what has been said and done are already bygones. i have so much to say to you. yet all these words fail to form on my lips. even with my mouth open to speak, no sound came forth.

from my heart, i have already forgiven you. i believe that everyone else around you would say the same. i cry out to God everytime i remember you, praying that He would one day touch you and change you. there you are, going back to your promiscuous and notorious ways. it hurts. it hurts so much watching you falling back to your past, the past where you were once so very determined to leave, to erase and to let go.

i cry out to God to forgive and heal me. and also that you would forgive me and many others who have failed you in many ways. that you could not feel that people cared for you only meant that we, as your friends, were not caring enough. that you could not feel loved by people around you only meant that we, as your friends, were not warm, kind and loving enough. that i, as a friend, did not make known to you the value of our friendship. that you felt that God has preferences in showering His love only meant that i have failed in testifying to you His endless and unconditional love. that you felt that God abandoned you only meant that our friendship was not enough. that i, as a friend, was not encouraging enough. that i, as a friend, failed to give you the sense that you could count on me anytime.

it hurts so much to hear you say that no one cares and God doesn't care. with so many friends God has placed around you. He cares. we care. but everytime you are about to reach the decisive turning point in your life and everytime you are halfway there, doing well (probably better than i am) in your walk with God, you give up and push everyone away by all means. you push one away by professing your "love" for her. you push another away by picking up a huge fight over petty things. you push me away by swearing at me. things already went overboard one too many times. i'm exhausted.

to tell you the truth, i had no idea how should i greet or even talk to you now. not the slightest clue. can we really go back as before and pretend that none of these ever happened? honestly, i don't know. what should i say? or rather, what could i say? how do i react? are we as what we considered close as before? too many questions, too little time to think.

too many wrong turns journeying into unfamiliar territories. is there a way back? even if there is, i can't seem to find it. can we find our way back? or is this, as you wrote in your letter to me, the end of it all and the release of this friendship?