about ten months ago i took a desperately-needed two-month break from the ministry (which i eventually left few months later). i remembered the feelings i was experiencing at that time was psychological and spiritual drought. emptiness. i was serving almost every week - keyboard, backup vocal, ushering, etc. - for sunday services, prayer meetings and so on. probably getting a break once in two to three months. don't get me wrong, i love serving and it's truly an awesome opportunity to serve the great and mighty God. and i'm not complaining. but it just got to a point where suddenly it all became a routine. fuel exhausted. the fire and desire gradually died off. that's where the danger caved in.
when things become a routine, it becomes an obligation - you're doing it because you have to, not because you want to. fueled by the fear of people judging you, fear of what others would say, fear of being labelled with something nasty like "lazy" or "backsliden", fear of being scolded, fear of upsetting people and your parents, fear of taking the alternate route cuz you don't know what awaits you. and additionally in my case, fear of tainting my dad's reputation.. watching every action, making sure we don't give any openings for attack or gossip. i know i know.. so what if i'm a pastor's kid? you think it's such a big deal? your father's the pastor, not you. just be yourself lahh. so simple like that oso dunno ahh. allow me to be frank. i wished that everybody would think like that but sadly, it was not meant to be. everyone has different minds. it wasn't easy growing up as a pastor's kid you know. for me. maybe i would have testified differently (and perhaps more positively) if i had grew up in a healthier environment with a lot less ridiculous scrutinies and hurtful rebukes coming from all directions from the harshest and most unkind of people (or should i say aunties) who just love insulting us with every intention of driving us down. leaving no space to breathe. it was hard. suffocating.
but i belive all these do not happen just by accident or mere coincidence. i believe all these serve a purpose and God's plan for my life. for a greater good. just like a pencil needs to be sharpened every now and then to become a better pencil, i also need periods of sharpenings in my life in order to become a better person. had i not been there, i would not have been the person i am today. if things were different, maybe the present me would be a spoiled, rebellious and arrogant b*tch. hahahaa. or maybe not that bad but who knows? even now when nobody's watching, i still feel as though there are eyes watching every step. still a bit paranoid. but if i could turn back time, i wouldn't change a thing. it's a great blessing that my parents grew to be supportive, understanding and are willing to listen to our blabberings and complaints very patiently.. giving advice and endless words of encouragement in return. cool pastor papa and mommy eh? heehee.
this period of eight months is probably too long i have gone without settling in a church. it's about time though. some may think that there's no need to go to church, as long as you still believe. but i beg to differ. sheeps need a shepherd to guide them and protect them from the mouths of hungry wolves and lions. babies need parents or guardians to nurture, to show them what's wrong and what's right, and be mindful of them as they grow and mature to adults. likewise we - in our Christian beliefs - need others who're much more mature and wiser to teach and guide us, need others to encourage and build each other, for fellowship (who doesn't like that?), need others to see or help open our eyes to see things we cannot see, help us to mature in our Christian faith and walk..
honestly speaking, i miss playing the keyboard, i miss singing backup vocals and worship leading, i miss shaking people's hands and giving warm smiles to them as they come to church together to celebrate the awesomeness of our Redeemer and His love - but most importantly, i miss the joy of serving God, to feel his presence, to usher in His presence and praising God with every talent he has blessed me with. i didn't realize to what extend did i miss God until last week during worship. tears kept flowing and flowing as i kept singing "at the cross i bow my knee, where your love was shed for me and there's no greater love than this", realizing that i had been drifting apart for so long. i'm humbled. humbled by his grace and mercy. realizing also that my mistakes which almost got me led away by temptation. the sacrifices he'd made. indeed there is NO greater love than his.
when things become a routine, it becomes an obligation - you're doing it because you have to, not because you want to. fueled by the fear of people judging you, fear of what others would say, fear of being labelled with something nasty like "lazy" or "backsliden", fear of being scolded, fear of upsetting people and your parents, fear of taking the alternate route cuz you don't know what awaits you. and additionally in my case, fear of tainting my dad's reputation.. watching every action, making sure we don't give any openings for attack or gossip. i know i know.. so what if i'm a pastor's kid? you think it's such a big deal? your father's the pastor, not you. just be yourself lahh. so simple like that oso dunno ahh. allow me to be frank. i wished that everybody would think like that but sadly, it was not meant to be. everyone has different minds. it wasn't easy growing up as a pastor's kid you know. for me. maybe i would have testified differently (and perhaps more positively) if i had grew up in a healthier environment with a lot less ridiculous scrutinies and hurtful rebukes coming from all directions from the harshest and most unkind of people (or should i say aunties) who just love insulting us with every intention of driving us down. leaving no space to breathe. it was hard. suffocating.
but i belive all these do not happen just by accident or mere coincidence. i believe all these serve a purpose and God's plan for my life. for a greater good. just like a pencil needs to be sharpened every now and then to become a better pencil, i also need periods of sharpenings in my life in order to become a better person. had i not been there, i would not have been the person i am today. if things were different, maybe the present me would be a spoiled, rebellious and arrogant b*tch. hahahaa. or maybe not that bad but who knows? even now when nobody's watching, i still feel as though there are eyes watching every step. still a bit paranoid. but if i could turn back time, i wouldn't change a thing. it's a great blessing that my parents grew to be supportive, understanding and are willing to listen to our blabberings and complaints very patiently.. giving advice and endless words of encouragement in return. cool pastor papa and mommy eh? heehee.
this period of eight months is probably too long i have gone without settling in a church. it's about time though. some may think that there's no need to go to church, as long as you still believe. but i beg to differ. sheeps need a shepherd to guide them and protect them from the mouths of hungry wolves and lions. babies need parents or guardians to nurture, to show them what's wrong and what's right, and be mindful of them as they grow and mature to adults. likewise we - in our Christian beliefs - need others who're much more mature and wiser to teach and guide us, need others to encourage and build each other, for fellowship (who doesn't like that?), need others to see or help open our eyes to see things we cannot see, help us to mature in our Christian faith and walk..
honestly speaking, i miss playing the keyboard, i miss singing backup vocals and worship leading, i miss shaking people's hands and giving warm smiles to them as they come to church together to celebrate the awesomeness of our Redeemer and His love - but most importantly, i miss the joy of serving God, to feel his presence, to usher in His presence and praising God with every talent he has blessed me with. i didn't realize to what extend did i miss God until last week during worship. tears kept flowing and flowing as i kept singing "at the cross i bow my knee, where your love was shed for me and there's no greater love than this", realizing that i had been drifting apart for so long. i'm humbled. humbled by his grace and mercy. realizing also that my mistakes which almost got me led away by temptation. the sacrifices he'd made. indeed there is NO greater love than his.
falls from my eyes
and you stand before me
i know you love me
at the cross i bow my knee
where your blood was shed for me
there's no greater love than this
you have overcome the grave
your glory fills the highest place
what can separate me now
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