The Consequence of Saying "No"

If there was anything useful I've learned in my recent years, it is to say "No" when I really need to say "No". I've been tested through times and I know what and where my boundaries are.

And if you really knew me, you'd know that when I say "No", I really mean it. And I don't refuse without a good reason and without thinking through properly. Do you have to know why I said "No"? I mean, really, do you have to know? I may or may not tell you why but if I don't, that means at the back of my mind, I'm thinking that you probably won't understand my reasoning even if I told you.

It's difficult especially when you deal with people who can't take "No" for an answer. And even worse when they throw more daggers at you, accusing you of many things. I don't understand how they can tell other people not to scold other people with hurtful accusation and mockery, but they'll do the exact same thing they tell others not to do to me. C'mon lah, what is that?

Because of my limited understanding of the language, that's why I can't completely follow everything there is to follow. But what I do get accused of?? Of not wholeheartedly doing my duty. And that itself is a big insult to me. For the past one and a half year, I've been doing my duty without complaining for the first 8 months. I say no this time, and this is what I get?

Classic example of when you're "obedient" and "good" (obedient means you say yes to everything), you're not remembered. But when you just refused to do it one time or do something wrong, they remember it for the rest of their lives.

Like everyone, I have limits. Like everyone, I have emotions. Or am I not allowed to have limits? Or am I not allowed to have emotions? Like everyone, I have a mind and opinions. Or am I not allowed to have an opinion? Like everyone, I have experience (maybe not in the same areas but we do have experience regardless because life is experience). Or am I not allowed to share my inputs based on my experience, just to make sure the same thing doesn't occur to others?

Not like everyone else, I have been through burnt out. Kena tikam left right center for that. But that is history and you just can't erase history just because you want to (unless of course you're the Malaysian government). I believe burnt out occurs when you're overworked, stressed and you just didn't manage yourself properly. I am definitely guilty of not managing myself properly, but sometimes when you don't have the right tools to manage yourself so that you don't burn out, you just have to make do with it and hope that the inevitable will be long-time coming.

The thing now is I'm not burnt out. But I know where my limits are. And I can't do more than what I am doing now because I don't want to be burnt out. I am just having problems with one side and not both sides. In fact, I enjoy helping the side where I understand and can follow everything that's going on. Don't accuse me of not being wholehearted or not reading my Bible or not saying my prayers or not being faithful.

And because I said "No" to one thing, suddenly God's blessings on my life become conditional is it?

I have had enough of all this. It's a wonder to me how I maintained my sanity after all these years. At certain points, I feel like I'm gonna lose my mind any moment if I don't stop thinking about this. That's why to me, not all distractions are bad. Sometimes distractions are great and essential! Depending on the nature of distraction and the point in your life where it appears.

An example would be me going out with friends out of the blue to watch a movie or just chit-chat, it's because they're a good distraction for me. A contrasting example would be me going to Starbucks somewhere to study my GRE, it's because I need to get away from distractions and focus on my studies (Hmmm... now that's a great idea that came out of nowhere. I might consider it). Maybe I should opt for my strategy in high school and train up my self-discipline in mind focusing.

My only wish now is that you would just LISTEN to what I'm saying. Or at least half of it. And that you would ask me things in a way where you would be expecting a Yes or a No answer. And that you would consider our feelings first and not demand that you get what you want all the time. I don't need accusations. I don't need more slandering. I don't need my emotions to get abused anymore. It is already battered as it is.