Crying in the Shower

I'm pathetic... Aren't I? Crying to nobody but myself in the shower.
One would think that it would feel ALL better after doing that.
But honestly, it doesn't.
It really doesn't.
I used to do crying myself to sleep.
Between the two, none of it really works.
You know, like drinking beer, hoping you'll forget everything.
And it'll all be better the next day.
But you end up feeling worse? Exactly like that.

You don't think I get depressed as weeks go by without replies from companies?
Or when they do email me, only to say that the position has been filled?
I don't need to be a constant reminder of what a burden I am.
For years I have been studying in Monash
I hate it every time someone asks you about how much my semester fee is
Because the answer always have and will be that I'm always a burden.
I am sorry that I am not academically brilliant as the other two.
And I'm not smart enough to win some scholarship.
I just can't take this anymore.

Just hours ago I was laughing away with my friends.
And here I am now alone in my room, crying my eyeballs out.
Despite what people think, I don't share feelings with people comfortably.
When I'm vulnerable, I camouflage real feelings with other feelings.
I laugh at myself. I cry at myself.
I act OK when things are OK.
I act OK when things are not OK.
I am an emotional trainwreck.

When you grow up with that stupid label stuck on you
They say that you should always be good
That you should always be happy and smiling
That you should always say yes to everything
That you should always be obedient
That you should never lose temper
That you should never be rude
That you should never refuse anything
That you should never be pessismistic and faithless
Do you know what it's like to be the hot juicy gossip when you let slip any one of these "golden rules"?
Do you know what it's like to be watched by vultures who just can't wait until you screw up so that they can screw your life up even more? The very people who call themselves saint.
Other kids do it, they say "They're just kids growing up. They make mistakes."
If we do it, it's always "Eyer, you know she did this and that.. How can a pastor's kid do/say that har?"
Do you know what it's like to be defenseless from these?
Do you know what it's like even when your own parents don't believe you?
Do you know what it's like to face these even before your age hits double digits?

Just great! I have a movie date with a girlfriend in 8 hours.
And I have eyes as red as vampires.
And headache from blowing my nose every two minutes.
And zits from my chin that are so stubborn and won't freaking go away!
Honestly I am not up for a movie. Or an outing. Or whatever.
Nope, don't feel bad Ling.
Maybe this is exactly what I need.
A break from all these.
I really need to get away from all these.