Surat dari Jabatan Latihan Khidmat Negara

The fateful letter has arrived. For my brother, of course. It probably had hundred pages of instructions, forms and letters of consent in it. All in Bahasa Melayu. As expected. The stuff written in there were utterly hilarious – language-wise, types of questions asked, etc. I’d be kind enough to warn that half of the remaining of this post will be in Bahasa Melayu. Hahahaa. Kenalah latih sikit-sikit kan? Kalau tidak, basi nanti.

Some questions posed to the trainees regarding their health:
(Real questions, but of course answers are pure rubbish)

Adakah anda menghidapi penyakit kencing manis?
Tidak tahu, sebab tidak pernah rasa.

Adakah anda selalu sakit kepala atau migrain?
Tidak, tetapi selalu menyebabkan sakit kepala dan/atau migrain.

Adakah anda selalu demam berpanjangan?
…………… Boleh terangkan definasi ‘berpanjangan’ dengan lebih lanjut?

Adakah anda menghidapi gangguan mental/sakit jiwa?
Lerrr… kalaulah aku ada masalah jiwa, kau ingat aku akan mengaku ke? Pembunuh mengaku ke tak yang dia membunuh orang?

For ladies, they also asked for the date of last menstruation. Out of curiousity, I just want to know – Whatever do you need to know that for? And I don’t know how many teenage girls can answer that. When I was a teenager, I hardly kept track on my cycles.

Somewhere under Syarat-syarat Pengecualian Dari Khidmat Negara (roughly translated as conditions for exemption from National Service) “Orang bercelaru mental di bawah Ordinan Kecelaruan Mental…”, mentally disturbed = bercelaru mental? That’s a first for me. Never heard of it before. I thought we plainly lovingly just put it as gila. Or does gila mean permanent and non-treatable, and bercelaru mental temporary?? I thought the meaning of celaru leant more towards confused than disturbed. You know, when you’re in a dilemma having to make a decision, you weigh the pros and cons and yet your fikiran bercelaru because it's not a easy decision to make.

Then others exempted are - obviously - those with penyakit yang boleh membawa maut atau berjangkit (fatal or infectious disease), and those who're already in the military or the police force. Those who're in rehab for whatever purposes or doing time for whatever reasons are also exempted, including juveniles. I guess it's safety issues. What else can it be?