The hardest thing

i was just reading a post on a blog, by someone i knew but don't really know from high school, about his argument with his father. i was envious.

so you think i must be mad to be envious at him for having several sharp exchange of words with his father? yes. as a matter of fact, think what you will because i really am envious at the fact that he could and/or had the guts to quarrel with his dad, envious at his courage that he was able to take his stand and argue.

because for me, i can hardly remember the last time i ever spoken or quarreled or raised my voice against my own father. for fear of incurring his wrath and temper which lasts for days and sometimes weeks. all my life i've followed and listened to almost everything he tells me to do. he tells me to finish my music studies, i endured through it even though i hated my first two teachers to the very core. he tells me to go to this and that church, i follow. it was so hard leaving all and starting afresh, fitting in and all while growing up.

the hardest thing was to leave all the friends i've made, grew up with and become so accustomed to. the hardest thing was to really open up and trying to fit into the new crowd with a different culture, but i am always hesitant... because at the back of my mind, there was always fear of leaving. again. i feel emotionally detached whenever i'm in a new church. i used to be friendly and approachable.

i remembered when i left the first church - the church in which i accepted Jesus as my Saviour, grew up with and loved dearly. like any other normal person, i would have never entertain the thought or giving in to any bribes to leave this church. that was how dedicated i was and how much the church meant to me.

then tragedy strucked. a betrayal. a rude awakening. people change. we had to leave. it was painful. what was more painful was that i could not even attend the farewell (and the last) youth gathering. no parting hugs, tears of sadness, last moments of laughter and prayer together. tears were shed alone. pain was endured alone. i never got to say goodbye.

now when we see each other, it is a great joy. sincere happiness. but where do we start? how do we even continue from where we left off? at what point did our relationship just went dormant? would it be the same as before? it's just so hard to start all over again. so, so hard.

sometimes i wished my dad would just stop telling me what to do. i'm not implying that he's bad cuz he's absolutely not. in fact, he's the greatest dad in the world and i would never trade any other for him. it's just that i wished he gave me some space. let me do what i really love for once, without him telling or implying to me all the time what he prefers that i do.

feeling kinda like Pinocchio. able to do things you want, but not everything as you want it.

people often think that being a second or third generation Christian, you would have breezed through your Christian life. what more as a pastor's child. to put the fact bluntly, it is not. i think it's even harder. i believe no matter what, you would encounter problems and dilemmas. although they may not be the same, they will be there regardless.

sometimes i really do wish i had just one teeny bit of my sister's bravery to tell my dad exactly what i want, what i felt lead by God to do and do it. i just want to belong to a church. permanently. no more church hopping. no leaving irregardless of whatsoever. for me, a church should be one where you go, grow, love and never wanna leave. you shouldn't feel used. it's just as simple as that. yet it's complicated. i have found a church like that. i want him to know and i want his blessing but i'm so afraid to tell him. i used to be brave. what happened to me?

i guess this is pretty much why i always wanted to go overseas to study. i am never on my own. probably in my subconscious mind, i hope that this would be a release for me. that i can finally breathe.