My addiction. My confession.

i have a confession to make.

i have an addiction. a serious one. really. no kidding.

so serious that it controls my emotions, my mood, my mental state, everything.

it started out with this.



"full house"

and then this came along.



"mischievous princess"

then the addiction became more serious with this.



"white robe of love"

after this one, there was no turning back. my current addiction.



"it started with a kiss"

addiction to korean and taiwanese dramas. no cure. how??
help!! somebody? anybody?
wo wan le (i'm doomed).

The hardest thing

i was just reading a post on a blog, by someone i knew but don't really know from high school, about his argument with his father. i was envious.

so you think i must be mad to be envious at him for having several sharp exchange of words with his father? yes. as a matter of fact, think what you will because i really am envious at the fact that he could and/or had the guts to quarrel with his dad, envious at his courage that he was able to take his stand and argue.

because for me, i can hardly remember the last time i ever spoken or quarreled or raised my voice against my own father. for fear of incurring his wrath and temper which lasts for days and sometimes weeks. all my life i've followed and listened to almost everything he tells me to do. he tells me to finish my music studies, i endured through it even though i hated my first two teachers to the very core. he tells me to go to this and that church, i follow. it was so hard leaving all and starting afresh, fitting in and all while growing up.

the hardest thing was to leave all the friends i've made, grew up with and become so accustomed to. the hardest thing was to really open up and trying to fit into the new crowd with a different culture, but i am always hesitant... because at the back of my mind, there was always fear of leaving. again. i feel emotionally detached whenever i'm in a new church. i used to be friendly and approachable.

i remembered when i left the first church - the church in which i accepted Jesus as my Saviour, grew up with and loved dearly. like any other normal person, i would have never entertain the thought or giving in to any bribes to leave this church. that was how dedicated i was and how much the church meant to me.

then tragedy strucked. a betrayal. a rude awakening. people change. we had to leave. it was painful. what was more painful was that i could not even attend the farewell (and the last) youth gathering. no parting hugs, tears of sadness, last moments of laughter and prayer together. tears were shed alone. pain was endured alone. i never got to say goodbye.

now when we see each other, it is a great joy. sincere happiness. but where do we start? how do we even continue from where we left off? at what point did our relationship just went dormant? would it be the same as before? it's just so hard to start all over again. so, so hard.

sometimes i wished my dad would just stop telling me what to do. i'm not implying that he's bad cuz he's absolutely not. in fact, he's the greatest dad in the world and i would never trade any other for him. it's just that i wished he gave me some space. let me do what i really love for once, without him telling or implying to me all the time what he prefers that i do.

feeling kinda like Pinocchio. able to do things you want, but not everything as you want it.

people often think that being a second or third generation Christian, you would have breezed through your Christian life. what more as a pastor's child. to put the fact bluntly, it is not. i think it's even harder. i believe no matter what, you would encounter problems and dilemmas. although they may not be the same, they will be there regardless.

sometimes i really do wish i had just one teeny bit of my sister's bravery to tell my dad exactly what i want, what i felt lead by God to do and do it. i just want to belong to a church. permanently. no more church hopping. no leaving irregardless of whatsoever. for me, a church should be one where you go, grow, love and never wanna leave. you shouldn't feel used. it's just as simple as that. yet it's complicated. i have found a church like that. i want him to know and i want his blessing but i'm so afraid to tell him. i used to be brave. what happened to me?

i guess this is pretty much why i always wanted to go overseas to study. i am never on my own. probably in my subconscious mind, i hope that this would be a release for me. that i can finally breathe.

Being the Bridesmaid

fifteen years ago, i was a flowergirl. fifteen days ago, i was a bridesmaid. not like i never knew this day was coming. i was naturally my sister's bridesmaid. it was just a matter of when :)

being the bridesmaid is tough fun. with two hands and a little help from my mom, i had to help my sister...
- hold her train when she's walking
- hold her cup of drink with a straw.. can't afford to drink it direct from the cup and ruin the few-hundred-dollar makeup right?
- babysit the flowergirl, which is the part i love most.
- hold stack of tissues for wiping sweat and in case of makeup going haywire (think mascara) or any crying (think mascara again)
- hold flower bouquets. initially mine and hers.. then gave mine to the flowergirl cuz she loved it.

all these while walking around with long dress and high heels. good thing i'm used to walking with heels. and all these while being fully made up. kekok betul. adding on to that, i didn't even get to eat anything at the church itself. all i had was one big mug of milo in the morning. enough to sustain me.

it was ok lah, the bridesmaid thing. not crazily hectic or nightmare-ish. maybe because we share this certain understanding and bond as sisters. so we're kinda biasa with each other.. i knew what she wanted most of the time and she was really kind in her demands.

but if you want me as a bridesmaid next time, nombor yang anda dail tiada lagi dalam perkhidmatan terima kasih.. the number you have dialed... :P

Too exhausted to even bother.

ok. so for the test performed the day before, there were no results.

you asked me whether i pipetted the volumes correctly.

of course was my reply.

i was pretty darn sure about that.. after all, it was your protocol i followed. if that was wrong, it's just a wonder whose fault might that be.

fine. troubleshoot further (troubleshooting may be fun when you're in the OK mood but when you're exhausted it's not). so the one problem left might be that one or both reagents expired.

go make new sets of reagents. that's what you told me.

i knew i had no choice cuz they'll be needed tomorrow.

i look at the clock and it was fifteen minutes to 5. i can forget about driving home before the famous sunway rush hour traffic jam starts.

the first one, the standard solution came out just fine. thank God.

then came the second one. the colour reagent. i was prepared to weigh according to the initial set of protocols you gave me. i had my instinct to thank for this time.

had i not decided to ask you about certain things before i started, i wouldn't have known that the present set of chemicals were of different units and that an entire different set of volumes/weight to be used were different than the ones you gave before.

if i had made it anyway, it would have been wrong and i would have been mercilessly deep-fried by you. after all, these chemicals are really REALLY expensive and imported from japan, right?

so i somehow managed to carry ten chemicals with just two hands of mine to the nearest balance in the next lab. weighing out each one carefully and as accurate as i can.

the balance wasn't helping at all. it was fluctuating up and down happily while here i was, standing and walking for almost the entire day and obviously drained of energy.

well, the colour reagent was supposed to be (ironically) colourless. somehow it came out slightly yellowish.

it's not supposed to be coloured at all, you tell me. maybe too much peroxide.

too tired to even respond and argue. but even in this exhausted state of mind, i was sure i weigh everything out accurately. those of you who did lab practicals with me, you should know how meticulous i get when it comes to accuracy and getting good, usable results.

after a moment of silence and staring, you say to my face "what's wrong with you?".

what the hell??!!!??! insulted, i was. pissed, not quite. then again, too tired to even bother feel angry-insulted or defend myself.

i slowly walk to the nearest basin and threw away everything in the bottle. re-make.

this time, i double-checked the volumes/weights with her set, had her stand there and see it through. guess what? it came out the same colour again. what a waste of chemicals, waste of time and waste of energy. stupid.

what's my problem? you are.

Proud of OUR Boys

i had a dissection session this morning at 8. my common practice would be to sleep as early as i can the night before irregardless of whatever happens, so that i won't wake up all dazed with thumping headaches. but siao! it was our very own malaysian double pair in the finals of the asian games, i would never miss it for the world!

they had to schedule the match to be played last - after the women singles final, men singles final and women doubles final. sigh. the men singles was nice to watch, but as are all singles matches, they tend to be long. it was a shame lee chong wei fell in the semifinals (yet again). but anyway, my personal favourite indonesian taufik hidayat retained his crown in straight games. i thought china's lin dan was a bit distracted and affected by the indonesian supporters in the first set. the crowd was C-R-A-Z-Y, MAD and NNNNOOOIIIIIISSSSYYYYYYY!!

anyone remember hariyanto arbi? sun jun? foo kok keong? yang yang? ong ewe hock? hendrawan? those are players in the 1990s who were and still are my favourite men's singles players.

the women doubles went to three sets. three sets! thump. the anticipation was killing me. men doubles, start already!!!



it started at almost 1am. 1am!! did you know it was scheduled at 12am??!!?!! but i was not gonna go to sleep. after all, it was late already so *hahaa* one more hour no harm lahhhh. haiyah, i stay up so late already.. if i go to sleep, then jia lat (wasted effort) only.

time and time again, malaysian shuttlers had done so well only to falter when it mattered... like thomas cup, world championships, olympics, etc. finishing second best, third best. all the waiting and the anticipation were getting agonizing. we were getting exhausted, trying our best to show that it didn't matter and our tidak-apa-kalau-kalah facial expression and body language when in fact it is this tidak-apa attitude which is killing the sport. all hope, faith and joy was waning.

i have to give it (in fact i think we all should) to this malaysian scratch pair tan boon heong and koo kien keat for their mental strength, agility and determination. congratulations tan boon heong and koo kien keat for restoring hope in malaysian badminton and faith among your supporters, and for being the asian games champion 2006! thirty-six years have been too long a wait for us for a gold in badminton. it was time somebody stood up above the rest and show them how it's done. and you've done it! hats off to you!!


they've definitely found a fan in me. i love their aggressive and smashing style, which i dearly missed watching in badminton men's doubles since indonesia's ricky subagdja and rexy mainaky, chandra wijaya and sigit budiarto, and malaysia's cheah soon kit and yap kim hock... ironically, the current coaches for malaysia are rexy and yap kim hock. i love the way they play 100 miles per hour and yet smartly placing the shuttle at the right place and the right time. you can just feel their utter determination and fiery spirit watching them. it's addictive, even more addictive than any drugs and ice-cream! a spirited, humble play is a greater joy to watch compared to a perfect but arrogant play.

it was apparent, however, that their coordination was still lacking and needs work. can't really blame them cuz this pairing is new and very young (and i mean very, VERY young... tan boon heong was a last-minute replacement for koo kien keat's regular partner). but they make up for this lack with their speed and agility so amazing you won't and you wouldn't believe your eyes! if they keep this up and mould their coordination, i believe they are very well on their way to being world beaters like squash's nicol david... not just a one-time wonder.

once again congrats! i'm proud of you, the whole nation's proud of you. we're rejoicing with you. i hope that this fire and thirst for greater success for yourselves and for malaysia will be endless - not just a one time thing - and press on. if the wall doesn't move in front of you, push harder. if the wall still does not budge, then use a sledgehammer :P


and i hope *cross fingers* that rexy will change his mind and not leave cuz there's plenty more for him to teach and impart, and plenty more to learn and improve.

p.s. another proud moment would have to be hearing "negaraku" playing and the crowd singing along at attention. it was so overwhelming that i wished i had been there.

29-11-06: after nine long years...

so. wondering whose backs are those in the picture? hahaa. those two, my dear friends, are my one and only elder sister and romuald.


see? i wasn't bluffing. heeheehee.

so. where were they? they're at the National Registration Department (NRD) in Putrajaya. what were they doing there? they're registering their marriage lah! finally. hahaha. nine long years of courtship... akhirnya mereka kahwin!

it was pretty obvious everybody knew this day would come. it was just a matter of when and where. come to think of it, they hardly had any arguments. if they did, they dealt with those issues rather well. i can only recall one major argument back when we were still in TWC. but even that, i thought, was a real misunderstood situation which was interpreted rather negatively and passed onto him. i was there when it happened, and to this day i never thought or had a change of mind that it went out of line.

anyway. more pictures! wanna see them reciting the rukun negara ikrar or not? this was to test whether they're really pure blood sincere malaysians.


hahahaa. no lah, gurau aje. they're reciting marriage vows. nobody in their right state of mind would wanna lafaz ikrar negara on their wedding day.

the surprise of the day for me came when my dad remarked that he should not be one of the witnesses as he was giving away his daughter and someone else should. guess who became the witness? yeah, me. like my sister said (much later in the evening), "this is probably the most adult thing you've ever done since you turn 21". and i went, "... so you mean most of the time i'm childish lah?". she gave me that you-know-what-i-mean look.

the lady officer at NRD counter took one look at ours IC, looks up at both my sister and i and asked, "ini kembar ya? (your twin sister?)". we stared at each other, thinking "not another one" and had a really REALLY good laugh. so many people have hard time believing we are even related in the first place... it's funny how people always either say that we look SSOOOOOOO much alike that my uncle once remarked we have photostated faces, or we don't look anything like each other. so what is what now? don't confuse me :P


five minutes to complete the registration and all, one hour photographing session :P presenting my family as of november 29th, year 2006.